Something weird just happened. First of all, I need to write down how I feel right now: relaxed, happy, so happy and kind of sleepy. I feel happy, with a bad feeling in my gut, like I need to throw up, but in a good way.
Just relax, just let it go. Chill.
So I'm getting used to cigarettes, I don't feel sick anymore when smoking them. Whoa, it took really long to be enjoyable.
I went upstairs to smoke. It's 1 am and it's raining. I had to smoke through a window, so my hair, face and shoulders got a little wet. I inhaled the smoke and it felt good, like I loved the taste, everything, I wanted it and then it came out again of me when I exhaled. Like when you eat, and then you throw it up because it's bad to keep those things inside your body. Oh, man. I started to feel so happy, I couldn't stop smiling. I felt gone and relaxed and happy. It never felt so good. I could have fallen and died and I would've felt it like I was floating. I feel happy. So happy. God. I haven't felt this good while being on drugs. Not even when smoking before.
So I finished the cigarette, thinking "okay, I'm getting too out of me, I need to stop smoking this". So I did. It's just cigarettes, but it made me feel happy and weird and I feel like I could love everything and throw up my feelings as some kind of dark mud.
I feel sick to my stomach. I got up and I was like moving around the place, not too able to walk and not even knowing anything anymore as if I was on drugs. But I didn't feel dizzy. The good kind of dizzy, I called it. I felt happy. I will stress this over and over.
I could've stayed standing in the middle of the bathroom for hours, gone, but then I tried to drag me  back to me. I feel happy. I said things I could relate reality with but I still feel weird. Oh god, what happened? Then I was all about smiling and everything. I feel relaxed and happy but then sick because I am uneasy when I feel like I need to chill. I know if I am too relaxed I may kill myself, so I never feel as relaxed as I should. I feel happy. I come downstairs and I'm smiling. Oh god, how good would it be to go all 50 shades of grey right now, or to throw up, or to fall asleep under the rain. I feel love, but I don't even know who I'm loving. I just know I feel love and that is good enough for me, it's even better not having anyone to love and simply feel this affection towards the unknown.
Oh, I just noticed my throat is really dry. I feel like I need to put me back in life. I was thinking "hey, life is so worth it" while I saw the smoke going out of my mouth. I could die right now, I still smile and love everyone. It's like being a child, but then you know you aren't a child and it scares you that your behavior is a child's. I feel like out of me. Moving my own body feels strange. Cigarettes smell like coffee with urine.
I feel it. The smile and everything. I bet she's so high right now from that LSD she took a couple hours ago. I miss it when I was lost in my mind and everything was beautiful. I am not sure that I love you, you know? I honestly think I just feel this immaterialized love and you happened to be on the way when I needed to let it out. I still need to, when I'm me I feel like I do need to know what I'm loving. It terrifies me to admit that I just love and I have no one  or nothing I love. I am sure I don't love you. I mean, I could do it, but I don't think it's you. I just got this idea that I do, even though I don't, to calm me down and I can't get over it. But I will because my mind will get bored and I will have to move on to the next thing I can use to vent all my love on. It happens quite often, don't feel special just because I love you, 'cause, you see, I happen to love a large amount of things for being such a hateful person.
It's okay. I always go through it. It's never as bad as it looks like. It just looks creepy and freaks you out but then it's okay when it happens. Then it becomes easier. If I didn't know me enough, I'll go for believing this crap that I love you. I need an excuse to care about myself and I used you as that too. An excuse to starve, an excuse to cut and then stop doing it and then relapse again, an excuse to cry and feel all those things I have bottled up that need to go out and see the light. My love is always selfish no matter what I say because we are naturally selfish beings. I use you, I need to use you, to love you, so I don't die from all the feelings exploding inside of me and breaking me down. I need you to keep me sane. All I always cared about, all I always care about , is me. Like it or not, I am the queen of my own universe, and you're the ruler of yours.