Dear Boddah

Things are going okay. It's better now. I'm better now. It all started with a few days without cutting and when I noticed I spent days without it and then I was like "Okay, I've been doing it for a few days. I'll see how much I can last". It's like a little challenge with myself. Also I know that the more I last, the better it will feel doing it again next time. But I'm okay, I'm doing better. I feel so much better! It's amazing. Thank God! Oh darling, this is something so wonderful  but so strange. I still don't know how. But I think it is because I've been talking to her a lot. Don't know how it helps but it does. And that's very important. I've been in a numb dream for years, it's time to get away from all this shit. I don't think Hole is good for me. But I need that mental orgasm. It's what poisons us, Boddah. Then angst, the hate, we're bitter and we are surrounded by shit, and then we're just like thinking about how we're surrounded by shit all the time, which is two times the same shit. But it's okay, honey. I'm doing great. I may go to pick up L.C. this week and then come back with her so we can share two weeks of summer and have fun. I want to make some tie-dyes. I smile, everything could be like a beautiful movie, a pretty photo. Because I smile. And there's something about my smiles. They make me feel something. And when I smile I can feel something amazing. Beautiful, beautiful picture. Kurt is smiling. it's so beautiful, it amazes me. I think it's happiness. I want to believe it's happiness as much as I want to believe it isn't, because if it is then it means happiness isn't like a rainbow explosion of unicorns and pink puke. Maybe happiness is peace and satisfaction. Hakuna Matata could be happiness, but a meaningless life is something that puts me down. Nothing to worry about, so there is no goals. No satisfaction when you've worked hard and you get something for it. Nothing. Just beer out of a coconut and days lying under a tree by the pool. I want to do something, you know? Like for real. I want to try at least, even if it's scary. But I will be fine. I'm always fine.