You can't be perfect, can you?

I have 3 weeks, that's all my vacation by now. I figured this out, not without help, but I did it. I have to save myself. I need to save myself because apparently I'm too much of a selfish bitch to get help with someone else, with pills, with therapy, with love, and it's not only about being selfishly in love but about not having someone who wants to love me because we're just running away. Yeah, it's all so cute and pretty and perfect when you're in love and it all happens in your head but then when you try in real life it's nothing like you imagined and that's why you give up and things get fucked, because life does not work the way we want it to work. So we just sit in a corner to cry and we create a blog to talk about how life is unfair and how we're too ugly to be loved. But oh well, I think that I was right anyway: you need to think about it for a while, then decide if this suffering can lead you somewhere; once you notice it won't you can just relax, pee and eat ice cream for 2 days and then move on. Just move on, dude, that's how it works. It's that simple. If it will lead you somewhere that isn't a hole nor a grave, you can keep trying but if it's gonna make you just miserable for a few years then you just have to give up and stop that shit because you're just like living around a person who's not even next to you and that is pathetic and pointless.
Oh my god, I had to say that even though I am away from my point. But it's okay because right now I do feel better and I haven't felt this well in months. Thank God. I'm so happy and grateful. I am going to meditate, that's what I wanted to say this whole time. I can either keep destroying myself and moving on with this diet thing that makes me eat less than 50 calories some days, or I can try to fix myself again, to fix my life and live again. I haven't lived in a long time. I think I deserve a little bit of happiness. And I believe I will be okay. I will pray for your souls and for my ugly body and then I will try to keep myself away from the hole but, oh god, if I ever fall again, at least I know how to get out. She's right there, it's right there, you just have to do it. No one is there to help you, nobody cares. So it's up to you, darling. Don't overwhelm yourself, don't hurt yourself, don't mangle yourself because you're not the football captain. Do you know how he got there? He just did it. Try hard, stay chill, and move on.