I have some sick fantasies. I don't know who I am anymore. I mean I thought I had this very clear idea of myself and that it was pretty easy to explain, because I was a cliché. But right now I'm this weird mixture of clichés and I don't even know how much I am of a certain thing and then that other thing... It's just weird and hard to understand since I've been locked inside this character for so many years and now apparently I have to change it a little bit or a lot and I don't have time because I actually want something different and I know what I want but apparently I'm getting something that may be good but it's confusing.
I can not imagine myself in the real world, the adult world. It seems so strange, so cold. Like a comic book or a porno. Everything is extremely chaotic in this very organized scenery. The actors know what to do but they're all so different from each other and sometimes it's like there isn't a connection between them or between their actions and the situations so everything is pointless. It's weird because I see myself as this little child walking in the middle of a dark street with people, so many people. It's like they don't notice I am there but I am and there's something about me that makes me different, because I'm this girl with the dinosaur t-shirt and that look of "what am I doing here? I really don't know how I came here and I don't know why I'm staying here". There's a brick wall and people with gray suits. I'm 23 years old and I still look at the the homeless people and I do not understand it, I still think it is unfair and confusing and there isn't an explaination that makes me feel better about it. Then I'm at this weird motel with guys smoking weed and then it's the pornographic part of my existence that still seems weird because I can't understand it and it still seems like something that's away from the mind of a child like me. My tits move, my mouth sucks. My eyes look at the ceiling and I still don't understand it. I wake up later that night wondering what am I doing here.