Nature is a whore

Last night I was thinking in myself as if I were someone else, and as if had seen the cuts on my arms. He or she (I mean myself) said this when he or she saw that: "It's like a cruel monster were doing that to her. It's sad to know that she is that cruel monster". I'm sure no one says or thinks that about me. J, I don't think he cares. C, maybe he thinks I can't. D and C have said, in the past of course, that I should not to cut myself. That was when I cut myself and there was not even blood. Now, that there is blood, since today, he didn't say "don't do that to yourself". I understand them, even if it hurts. They know it doesn't matter if they talk to me, that will not change my mind. I think that they don't understand that, even if talking to me will not change my mind about hurting myself, makes me feel better. Has anyone realized maybe I feel lonely?. Curiously, when I was crying yesterday (twice, twice at school. It's almost impossible to me crying at school with all those bastards around me, but I did it twice. The only person who asked me "what happened to you?" was a group of sluts from the class. They're very stupid, I told them that I was sleeping (they didn't saw my tears, they saw me covering my face on my desk). I say everyday in my head "are you ok?". Then, I say "Fucking shut up. You make me feel more that no one else cares about me". I act like I was crying today again, and also I cut myself. Same that always, no one cares too much for asking me "why are you doing that shit?". What I'm saying, I know why C didn't ask. He asked me many time before, but I always said "because I like it". He surrendered.
Again, I notice that every single problem of my life is the result of my past actions.
Today, I went to the bathroom for hurting myself. This time it's totally truth. I use the brass of my pencil like a improvised blade. So I went to the bathroom and planned to cut myself and cry a while there. I went there but a teacher was in there. "Fuck". I had to go back to the classroom and cut myself there. Terrific.
One baby to another says  I'm lucky to have meet you. 
I wrote a letter to myself. Its for when (if) I kill myself. Like a Suicide Samurai. It says that I have no value, no one cares about me and "I don't care if you fucking kill yourself. Go ahead, I want to know if you're able to doing it. I want to see if anybody cares. Love, Kurdt and Boddah". My arm has too much scars, I had to use my sweater the whole day and use a long shirt today at home. I have to use it until this scars go away, my mom can't see it. First, she will blame R. Shit, I wish I hadn't told her that she cuts herself. Shit, again. Then she will take me to a psychologist and make a scene "this is my fault, what have I done!" meanwhile she cries. Disgusting and sickly for me.
Desires, wishes. Things that, probably, will never happen.
Oh, me. I can't see. The end of me, my whole expansion. I can not see. 
Why so few empathy? Why so few love? Why so much shit?
Ever seen that video of Saturday Night Live where Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl kiss each other? Not just a kiss, a french kiss. Oh, when I see that video it's just amazing. I feel like in love. When Kurt join to the homosexual kiss... it supposed to be for fucking homophobes, but I  always think that they were in love. It will be so adorable (not sickly adorable), three of them kissing and having sex over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Kurt would have been so happy. I wish I could see the video more closer, so I can see their lips and their tongues interlock. I wish I could see his penis, I wish I could listen his groans during sex and watch his semen coming after that. Isn't about the sexuality, is about something that I don't understand. I just like to see his naked mind, and sex is, even if people are not agree, one of the best ways for knowing the naked mind of a person, because our naked mind is, in somehow, an animal mind, and sex is the more bestial thing we do. We're animals, so if we have sex we're all zoophilic.
But doesn't matter if you don't. Nobody dies a virgin, life fuck us all.
Oh, by the way, I told I about what I did with D. She said it was disgusting, but I like it.